I have neglected the art of writing for far too long and I realized how dearly I missed it just today. Especially in the times where my schedule is packed or being overloaded become a daily routine, I understand how much of a hectic life I enrolled myself in. I keep reminding myself that this is just what you wanted Joanna – 9-to-5 well paid job in the area I am supposed to be passionate about – since I devoted to it so much effort and tears for the past 5 years…., fiance who supports me and who allows me too spread my wings., cheers me up,.. my nice studio apartment in the capital where it seems eveything is possible, own car, new hobbies… and again this insatiable appetite for something unknown.. the urge to flee away, to go for something beyond…
I really thought that at the age of 27 I will be already mature enough to settle down, have a family and carry on with a decent life of in the role of someone and do my thing… exactly. What is my thing? It might come across as something imminently chaotic and naive- but did I discover what is my thing? I’ve had enough time to think about it in the past few years, yet I did not discover my vocation, my goal… Strange enough I believe I caught myself up in the life I wanted to have, or at least I thought I wanted to have and now it seems I am coming through like an existential crisis which makes me feel like an ignorant savage. Ironically enough, I was listening to some Disney soundtracks and guess what…? I came across the song that starts with “You think I am an ignorant savage and you’ve been so many places I guess it must be so but still I cannot see if the savage one is me..how can there be so much that you don’t know “. I hope to those of you, who were brought up on Disney tales I do not need to remind which lyrics this song relates to..
Couple days ago I went to a lecture of a very wise jesuit to take part in the discussion on the concept of consience and one of the key takeaways from this talk was his experience in the nursing home. The elder patients he looks after when asked what is the only thing they’d do differently in life, replied that they’d like to be more authentic. What did that mean to me? I started reflecting whether I am in the right place and doing the right thing? Some of you will ask but what is the right thing, what is the right place to be in.. and most likely I’d reply that it’s being authentic, true to yourself, acting accordingly to what your conscience is directing you towards. Either it be pursuing a quality career, getting married, having family & kids or driving around the world living in a campervan and practicing yoga.
If you ask me what is my authentic self, I’d probably mingle around between my faith, career, relationship & campervan. Campervan is just a symbol to be precise. Nevertheless, such mingling was nice for some time, but now is becoming tiring as the years pass by and many decisions have not been made yet. As the time progresses and I still did not specify what is my purpose and what is the path I want to take, I keep asking myself if thriving without clear direction could be also there for some reason?
The Journey of Desire 
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